RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE .........

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. Please note:
these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

# 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

# 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

# 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing
of the tides. Let it be.

# 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it that way.

# 1. Crying is blackmail.

# 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for
you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!

# 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently
beforehand.


# 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes
you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

# 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question. Please pick one.

# 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.

# 1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a
problem. See a doctor.

# 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car
engine as soon as you hear it.

# 1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.

# 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us act like soap opera guys.

# 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

# 1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.


# 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
to say during commercials.

# 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.

# 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin
is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

# 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

# 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we
care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

# 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

# 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

# 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the
quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.


# 1. NASCAR is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

# 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape

# 1. Yes, I know, I have
to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we
really don't mind that, it's like campin'.

haaaaaaaaaalleyluyah...HALLEYLUYAH.HALLEYLUYAH

thats the work of a master ! i vote nobel prize


gives me an idea for a gift

hey !

u forgot

#1 : Learn to open those nailpolish and jars.

here's a few more:

#1 if you ask me to hold your purse, you wave all rights to complain about money and items missing after it is returned.

#1 by expecting me to be romantic on valentines day you agree that romance is only required on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. all other attempts at romance are bonuses and are to be generously rewarded.

#1 real men have hairy bodies and sweat like pigs. learn to appreciate it.

#1 you want to eat tiny overpriced vegetables in an unidentifiable sauce. I want to kill a deer with my bare hands, feast upon it's warm flesh, and wash it down with fresh blood. meals containing large portions of undercooked meat ARE the compromise.

#1 all japanese symbols have the same meaning when in tatoo form: I'm easy!

#1 if you are hungry, eat. if you shouldnt eat it, dont. no, I dont care how much you want to to eat the chocolate. either eat it and go to the gym, or dont eat it and just shut up, either way, I just want to watch tv.

#1 wine is for religious ceremonies and annoying people. it is not classier than beer and is just barely above all hard liquor.

#1 yes giving birth is a beautiful thing, but so are open heart surgery and colonoscopies. do you really want to watch those?

#1 do you really want to eat anything I cook? than dont complain when you do all the cooking in the house.

#1 if you have a boyfriend with large muscles, tattoos, a motorcycle, and a large collection of illegal firearms, please do not flirt with me.

#1 if it is flammable, obviously god intended for it to be burned.

#1 no, I dont disappear once a month. it really is your imagination.

#1 other women are everywhere. it's not my fault if they occasionaly wander in front of my eyes.

#1 I really, really dont know what I did. until you tell me, I will conitnue to do it.

#1 everything looks good with duct tape.

#1 statements about the superiority of women will be met with logical arguements. do not become pissed just because you cannot grasp logic, it undermines the whole superiority thing.

#1 men enjoy nudity. it's genetic. it cannot be changed. you can either bitch and moan about it, or use it to your advantage. the choice is yours.

#1 "does it have pyrotechnics?" is a perfectly accptable question when I am being dragged to a play.

#1 scars are sexy. therefore, everytime I get hurt doing something stupid, dont nag, because I am only making myself sexier for you.

#1 feminism killed chivalry. you can have equal rights, or special treatment, not both.

#1 I will love your cat when it is covered in sweet and sour sauce.

#1 it's not commitment that scares me, it's the way you hold the knife when talking about commitment.

#1 I hate your friends. you hate my friends. if I dont have to see your friends, you dont have to see mine.

#1 real flowers fall apart and die. plastic flowers will last forever, just like my love for you. see how much more romantic they are?

#1 I am allowed to give you a really insensitive gift at least once per year.

#1 yes, I am listening. no, you dont have to ask questions to test this.

#1 yes that does belong on the floor. holding things is what the floor is for.

#1 the fact that I didnt notice your new nail polish is a good thing. you should only be worried if I am paying more attention to your cosmetics than to what god gave you.

#1 if you hit me, it will be interpreted as foreplay.

#1 dont compare yourself with my mother under any circumstances. doing so will result in extended periods of vomiting.

#1 if you continue to remove my stuff, I will start marking my territory the old fashioned way.

Red Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without four-letter words and raunchy antics. Throughout his career, he gained the respect of his fellow performers and audiences alike, and has always been considered a top entertainer in his field. As we deal with our myriad of day-to-day problems, a little levity is a welcome respite in today's world. Below are Mr. Skelton's stories on his happy marriage.

1. Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker.. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sitdown!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off .

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."

10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."