So, I was talking to a girl I'm interested in (a tricky endeavor, as she knows I am not only interested in her, but her best friend, and her roommate as well) and the subject of kids came up. Obviously she was testing me, so I told her my theory on naming kids.

I see all these people who give weird names, after things which aren't names or old names which barely fit in fantasy movies. Just a few days ago a family I know vaguely named their kid Gwendolyn, which wouldn't be so bad if kid didn't have a funny scandinavian last name which almost rhymes with that one. then again, that's nothing compared to names like Apple or Marijauna Pepsi (at least that one comes with a built in explanation)

So, my theory is, instead of naming a kid Ennis no matter what the reason, I say give them a first name they can live with. No matter how much you like the name, or how much you loved someone who just died, you should be more concerned with what life will be like for the kid who has to live that name. Yeah, weird names can be fun too (I actually knew a kid named batman) but as a general rule, it's just a bad idea.

However, no one cares about middle names, so that's where you can have some real fun. When I have kids, I plan on giving them five or six middle names, at least one of which will be danger, and arranged so that their initials spell something cool. I may even give them phrases in quotation marks like "the magnificent bastard."

Then again, I wonder how much I could get for the naming rights to a kid? For 20 grand, I might consider having a kid named Starburst. Or maybe Powerade? Jagermeister, Harley Davidson, who knows. I'd love to have a pair of twins named Smith and Wessen. They could have their own cop show.

On the other hand, I feel real sorry for the kid who ends up with the name Juicy Fruit. Doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl, that kid's gonna have issues. He could be a 7 foot tall bad ass navy seal, he'll still be brought to tears by the crowds of kids which taunt him at every opportunity.


So, after explaining this, it looks like I'll be single a little while longer, which means I will probably not have to deal with this for a while.

Thank you. I had a great time reading all that. My parents were such hippies and I was a home birth so I am amazed I have the normal name I do instead of something like Frigidaire.

ok...so i also take issue with stupid names...

it's not so much the completely outrageous ones like what frank zappa named his kids. dweezil and moon unit...or even this lovely but stupidly named actress. (and its probably a chosen stage name)

she goes by the name...and makeitstop...u may want to reference this one for your future offspring cause it is a classic

MOON BLOODGOOD.

i take more offence to the americanised sickening bullshit that seems to be infesting my country...its really not pleasant hearing the name "BROGAN" shouted by a pregnant single mother of 4 who is 20 years old with a real thick Dundonian accent

but from the kids point of view...i guess it doesn't matter cause they'll all have equally stupid names

take "the beckhams" who i whole heartedly apologise to the united states on behalf of the UK for unleashing upon you recently.

"romeo" "brooklyn" and the other one that nobody gives a shit about...beansprout of whatever.

or what about "the pitts" naming their baby Shiloh pitt...which when slightly changed around sounds like pile o' shit...ironically with a middle name called "nouvele" which is a type of toilet paper...genius

then there is celebrity mockney chef jamie oliver who went for "daisy boo" and "poppy honey"...poppy honey is a suitable euphemism for heroin.

then, of course, there is Michael Hutchence offspring "Heavenly Hirrani Tiger Lily"...also a film about a sword..almost

simon lebons kids Amber Rose Tamara, Saffron Sahara and Tallulah Pine which all sound equally like prostitutes and air fresheners

reading an article on stupid names i came across this legendary quote...attributed to name, that for some reason, i am still in hysterics while i write this.

That was great! I loved every word.